Sometimes

Sometimes you have to break away.

Sometimes you have to feel like you’re going to run out of money.

Sometimes this is what it’s like to live.

Sometimes you cannot be secure.

Sometimes you can feel free.

Sometimes you can heal.

Sometimes you can grow.

Sometimes you can eat cereal at night.

Sometimes you are okay.

You have cereal.

You have your breath.

Sometimes you want to roam the Earth.

Sometimes you want to connect with every soul.

Sometimes you want to live in every corner of the world.

Sometimes things are crazy just for the sake if it.

Sometimes taking a leap is boundless.

 

Today I am playing this Dan Croll song on repeat, because sometimes music is all that makes sense:

 

 

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I Am Waiting

I’ve spent a lot of my life waiting

To see if the pain will stop

To see if I’ll feel better

Waiting

For them to love me

For them to come home

For them to let me go

Waiting

For a true purpose

For the wind to stop blowing

And the weather to get warmer

Waiting

For a parcel in the post

For an epiphany to solidify I am human

And not a ghost

Waiting

For my plane to arrive

And waiting to take off

I’ve spent a lot of my life waiting

For things to begin

And end

 

Tuesday

Good things happen on Tuesdays. Airfare is cheap. It’s a good day to travel. It’s an unassuming day. People are just getting on with things on Tuesday.

For me, this might be the most important Tuesday in 15 years. I am on the train to New York City to see the Endometriosis specialist Dr Seckin.

I get really anxious when I go to the doctor. The thing with me is, is that I tell doctors everything that is going on and suggest what it might be. I dare say I know more than them when it comes to my health. In fact, I was the first person to figure out I might have Endometriosis, years before a doctor even used the term. I’m agressive.

After years of feeling like I was not being listened to by most medical professionals, I adopted this behavior. I feel that it got me to where I am today, on this train, going to see a specialist.

But every time I see any doctor I get anxious. I’ve been let down so many fucking times I barely have any hope left each time I have to talk about​ my symptoms again.  Will they listen to me this time? For real? Will they just tell me how to manage my “condition” for the next 6 months, next year, next five?

I hope today is different. I hope today is the most important Tuesday in 15 years.